My Journey Through Grief

No one is immune to loss and the resulting dynamics of grief.
Feb 14th 2009, Valentines Day, my husband and I were supposed
to be celebrating our 20th anniversary of our engagement.

Instead, I was planning his funeral. His battle with cancer was over.
God called him home on Feb 13th at 9:50 PM.
He fought a good fight. He was diagnosed with stage 3b lung cancer
Jan 3rd 2006. In June of 2006 he was given less than a year, just a
few months the Doctor said. "No way! , I thought, this is not happening
to us."

I believe I started the grieving process way back here, and at the
same time was hanging on to hope that a cure was just around the corner.
We had plans, places to go, people to see, things to do. Our 20th
Wedding Anniversary was coming up May 27th. Gaylord had never
been on a train, we were planning a train trip for our Anniversary.

And then there was a new stadium coming in 2010. Gaylord wanted
to go to a ball game in the new stadium. He loved sports! For
three years, we would make goals to reach for and he would beam
with joy each time we reached a goal. He was doing so good for two
and half years and then in Oct, 2009, his Doctor gave us the news
that the tumor was growing again.

We stayed optimistic right up to the last day. We lived each day the
best we knew how to, taking in as much of life and living that we
could. I could see he was getting weaker and without saying the
words, we both knew the inevitable was getting closer. And now...

How do we define it? Grief is an experience we all share. Yet,
what is grief? What shape do we give to it? Grief is one of life's
most poignant moments. We don't talk about it, or try to find
a definition for it until we are in the midst of it - a time filled
with pain and confusion.

I have experienced loss in other forms, but this time is very
different. I don't think it's possible to find one definition of
grief. All grief shares some common themes, but each
experience is uniquely different.

The hurt, the loss of identity, the disbelief, the physical,
emotional and spiritual symptoms, and the time it takes
to heal, are all part of grief.

Grief is a process, it takes time and has no rules. Life is not
the same. Who am I now? I find myself in a process of re-
definition. What is my proper title now? Wife? Mate? Or
do I have to say widow, now that he is gone? Finding the
answer to that question, Who am I now?, is the process of
grief and the process of healing.

"I am bowed down and brought very low;
All day long I go about mourning, ...Come
quickly to help me, O Lord my Savior. "

~Psalm 38: 6,22 NIV

Judy Narum